me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
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dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Called it
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*