The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
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[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors