FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
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MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
LMAO
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency