WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
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*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what