Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
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I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.