[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
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My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together