‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
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just having fun
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.