I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
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I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.