#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
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My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
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Me: Same
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.