I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
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Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”