Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
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James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.