my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
You Might Also Like
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
next level snooze
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.