Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
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Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down