Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
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Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]