*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
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I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
A friend helps you before you need it
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic