Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
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I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had