God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
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I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this