you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
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The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
One of the best
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months