“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
You Might Also Like
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans