Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
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Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.