i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
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How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*