Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
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Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
[months from now]
CDC: aight it鈥檚 safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you鈥檙e not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 馃槢
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I鈥檓 having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Are kids ever okay at all?馃槀
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I鈥檝e deleted all dating apps off my phone I鈥檓 over it 馃槶 I鈥檓 waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that鈥檚 too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don鈥檛 want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It鈥檚 worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
馃槅馃槅馃槅
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money鈥檚 worth.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
i鈥檝e started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it