Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
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A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
adding to the discourse
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep