I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
You Might Also Like
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
this is one of the best threads in twitter history