[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
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The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]