Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
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SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.