What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
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i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Lmao
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]