If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
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As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*