“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
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*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.