ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
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Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Cat is stressing him out.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.