Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
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I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.