16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
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you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it