Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
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I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.