Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
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i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer