DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
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Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
TRAIN’S HERE
“I FIXED IT!”
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size