One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
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Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”