If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
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*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.