I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
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Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.