to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
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Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
birds and squirrels envy us
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.