Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
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INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
When you鈥檙e cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you鈥檙e actually going in the wrong direction
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it鈥檚 probably pasture bedtime (i鈥檓 so sorry)
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 馃拃” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.