[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
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Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
the council will decide your fate
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
it must be school picture day
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.