Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
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I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
What?
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Holy crap this is wonderful
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?