(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
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We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*