Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
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Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
🤣🤣
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.