Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
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If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole