If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
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On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.