man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
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I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
My boss called in sick of me
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.