If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
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I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Just a friendly reminder!
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.