kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
You Might Also Like
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
A little too much information.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.