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I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
The honesty is refreshing
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.